Iâ€™m so gonna downward-dog your ass!
When it comes to yoga, honey, Iâ€™m one Ashtanga crazy beyatch throwing my Sun Salutation all up in ya face.
Donâ€™t you come in here posinâ€™ because up in this Y, we yoga tough. This ainâ€™t your mammaâ€™s yoga, this is extreme yoga.
Monkey pose … bam! Flying Crow pose … bam! Thatâ€™s right. Iâ€™m not even spilling my latte. You scared now? You should be.
Uh oh … Upward Facing Dog … bam! Thatâ€™s right. Iâ€™m doing the dog. Uh oh … did you hurt yourself? Why donâ€™t you take a break and see how the big girls play.
Why donâ€™t you sit there and watch me reach a state of perfect peace? Check it out … Bam! Peace! Right there. Just reached it. I reach inner peace faster than any of these chumps circular breathing in here. I got so much inner peace itâ€™s shooting out my nose. But Iâ€™m not done yet … oh no. Lotus pose … bam! Headstand pose … bam!
Howâ€™s that? Youâ€™re like all upside down and stuff. Firefly pose… bam! Baby, look at me. Iâ€™m a firefly. My ass is lighting up and Iâ€™m flying around in my backyard on my peace wings. Damn, Iâ€™m good.
Give it up, honey. Why donâ€™t you try some Jazzersize or something, because in here, yoga is for the big girls. Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavanthu â€“ Chump!
Posted in the local paper, a spoof about the yoga attitude at our YMCA-